January 9, 1999
by Whatthefawkes
Summary: AU. Who does Kate Beckett turn to in the wake of her mother's murder?
1. Murder

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Castle. Obviously.

**A/N:** This is based on a prompt given to be an anon on tumblr. Kate is 19 and has been best friends with Alexis Rodgers (also 19) for a long time; they're now college roommates. Rick is 21 in this story.

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><p><strong>I<strong>

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><p>No, no, no, no this wasn't happening. This wasn't real.<p>

Kate stumbled down the sidewalk, her shoulder scraping against the brick wall, chaffing the leather of her jacket. She struggled to breath, gulping down air like it was the last breath she would ever take. The acid rose up her throat and before she knew it she was tumbling into a side alley, vomiting up her dinner, splashing it on her feet. Kate crumpled in on herself, her slender frame shaking under the strain of the tears flooding down her face hard and fast.

As quick as she was in that alley, she was stumbling away, a dark pain settling deep within her. The frantic thrum of her heart beating wildly in her ears. She was alive. It was reminding her that she was still alive.

Worried glances and soft whispers of concern trailed in her wake. She saw nothing. Her feet stumbling down a path she had memorised long ago. She would make it. Nothing would ever be okay again but she would make it. To them. To her. To him.

Kate pushed through the glass doors, bypassing the doorman yelling at her to stop. She tripped over her feet in her haste to just get there, falling up the stairs, tears spilling over at the new pain resonating in her shins. She wanted to lay there on the staircase of her best friends building and never move. Her throat ached, the urge to vomit building with each second that passed. She pushed herself up, taking each step one at a time. Kate admonished herself for not taking the lift but the small, cramped space would have been too much. She was barely hanging on.

She teetered into the hallway of the Rodger's loft, her hand sliding across the crisp white wall - the only thing keeping her upright. Kate knocked on the door, her head falling against the doorframe. Hurry up, hurry up, please hurry up, she begged.

The door opened after what felt like an eternity.

'Katie?'

Kate glanced up, the face of 21 year old Ricky Rodgers staring back at her.

'Rick,' she murmured on a gasp. 'Alexis? Is she home?'

'No- no. She's with mother. They went to visit aunt Meredith.'

Kate's body sagged, how could she forget? Alexis had mentioned it a few days ago. Her best friend hated Meredith but went only because Martha had asked her to.

'Kate, come here,' said Rick, pulling her body to him, his arm circling her waist. 'What happened?'

'I-I can't. I think I'm gonna be sick.'

He half dragged her body to the bathroom just in time for Kate to convulse in his arms, vomiting into the toilet. Rick pulled her hair back, rubbing small circles into the base of her back as she wretched and gagged, emptying her stomach. He muttered assurances into her ear, cradling her body to his chest, plastering kisses in her hair. She was safe. She wasn't okay but she was safe.

'They killed her,' she sobbed, her breath ragged. 'My mum. They found her body in an alley like a piece of fucking garbage.'

Rick cursed, tightening his arms around her shaking body. He was her best friend's brother and they had been hopelessly in love with each other for the longest time but never acting on it.

'I'm so sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry,' rocking her back and forth.

They sat like that for the longest time cradled in each other's arms.

'Jim,' he muttered in the silence. 'Does he know you're here?'

'No,' she croaked, her voice hoarse and raspy. 'I was out of the door so fast. I never said. I didn't think.'

'It's okay. I've got you now. I'll phone him. Let him know you're okay.'

'Thank you,' she whispered.

'Why don't you take a shower? Clean yourself up. I'll tell Jim that you'll stay here tonight, kay?'

She hummed, disentangling herself from Rick, missing the warmth of his embrace immediately.

He tugged on her hand, 'I'll be back in a minute, okay? You think you can manage.'

'Yeah- Yeah, I can manage. Thank you. Again.'

'You don't need to thank me, Kate. I'm always here for you,' he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

He closed the door behind him on the way out, giving her the privacy she didn't want right now. Kate stepped into the shower, switching the heat to ice cold before sitting beneath the water's spray, her knees tucked up under chin. That's how Rick found her ten minutes later, shaking like a leaf, eyes glazed over, skin ice cold.

'Kate. Come on, Kate,' he murmured, switching off the shower. 'You need to get out. You'll freeze to death. If you don't move then I'll have to get you out and see you naked.'

She didn't move, barely seemed to notice he was even there let alone hear a word he said.

He lifted her out of the shower, wrapping a towel around her skin, guiding her towards his bedroom. She made no motion to move so Rick went ahead with drying her off, trying not to inappropriately stare at her bare body. He dressed her in his clothes, a pair of small boxer shorts, baggy pants and a loose shirt.

'Thank you,' she whispered, finally looking him in the eye. She raised her hand, deftly gliding her fingers over his jaw, tracing his lips. Kate leaned in, pressing her lips softly to his, the fire of their touch blazing away the remnants of the cold. She pulled away, resting her forehead against his, her hand gripping the back of his neck, afraid to let him go. 'You don't know how much this means to me. You just being here. Everything you've done for me tonight.'

'I do, Kate,' he said, pressing his mouth to hers once more, sliding his tongue along the bottom of her lips. She let him in, gliding her tongue over his. The kiss was soft, languid and everything she had always dreamed it would be.

He pulled away from her, his breathing heavy, 'come on, lay with me.'

Rick pulled the sheet back, motioning for her to join him. She slid beneath the sheet, gravitating towards Rick's body, moulding herself to him, slipping her leg between the two of his, resting her head against his chest. Silence settled between them, each trapped in their own worlds. They'd just shared their first kiss on the night of her mother's murder.

Kate's voice broke through the silence, 'I never thought that if I ever got to lay in bed like this with you that'd it'd be because of this,' she breathed against his skin, her finger idly skimming the neck of his nightshirt.

'Neither did I, Katie.'

'My mum always thought that you were a nice boy.'

He huffed a laugh into her hair, 'really?'

'Yeah, she loved you guys. She was always a little awestruck by Martha. Proud of you for getting your first novel published and Alexis for her grades.'

'Your mother was a great woman and I'm so sorry that she'll never get to see the brilliant women you grow into.'

A sob bubbled up Kate's throat, 'do you think she was proud of me?'

'Oh, Katie,' threading his fingers through her hair. 'She was proud of you. She'll always be proud of you.'

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><p><strong>AN:** Hope you guys like it. I'm thinking of making this into a three-shot. Chapter two will be up after I've posted the next chapter to 'Out From the Cold'

**Twitter:** CaptainGoode

**Tumblr:** whatthefawkes


	2. Funeral

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Castle. Obviously.

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><p><strong>II<strong>

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><p>Kate perched on the edge of the bed, her mother's wedding ring clenched in the palm of her hand. Johanna Beckett had been murdered nine days ago, her body left like a piece of trash in a grotty little alleyway.<p>

No one had seen anything.

No one knew anything.

Bullshit.

Someone had to know something. Kate's body shook under the myriad of emotions threatening to throw her down a rabbit hole she'd never get out of alive. All the pain, anger, sorrow, fear coursing through her veins became hands warping a path around her body, clawing at her flesh, gliding towards her throat.

Kate heard a short tap at the door.

'Come in.'

'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you that day, Kate,' murmured Alexis, taking a seat beside her best friend.

Kate shook her head frantically. 'No, Alexis, no. We never knew what was going to happen that day. Rick helped.'

'He really likes you, you know.'

The nature of the statement caught her by surprise, just hearing it out loud. Kate glanced to the right, straight into the expectant blue eyes of her best friend. 'Yeah?'

'I know this is probably not the time but I really hope you guys make a go of it. You both deserve it.'

The knots twisting around in Kate's stomach tightened. She wanted to vomit. This was all wrong, everything was so wrong.

'I'm a mess, Alexis. He doesn't need this right now. He's writing his next bestseller, he needs uncomplicated. He needs to focus on his writing.'

I'm broken. The two words she wanted to murmur so badly to her friend slithered out from under her flesh and drifted away into the silence, taunting her. She was no longer who she was. She was no longer little Katie Beckett with the dreams of one day becoming the first female Supreme Court Chief Justice. She was just Kate; a broken wreck with a dead mother and a father who had said little more than ten words to her in nine days. This wasn't the foundation for something good. This was the foundation for a train wreck with Kate Beckett at the wheel.

'He needs you,' said Alexis, her pale fingertips gliding over the back of Kate's hand before settling under her palm, squeezing it tight.

'I can't bring him down, Alexis,' said Kate, shaking her head frantically, tears sliding down her face. Kate Beckett couldn't be known for bringing down Richard Castle, the rising star of the New York City literary scene.

'You won't. Making you smile will do more for him than you know. My brother's been down there pacing for half an hour waiting for you to come out.'

'He has?' The slight flutter of hope felt like summer to her soul. Maybe. Just maybe.

'Of course he has. He cares.'

'I wasn't saying-,' Kate stuttered, a horrified look in her eye. No. No. She really didn't mean that. He was Castle. He cared. He cared about everything.

Alexis waved Kate off, taking no notice of her panicked look. 'I know and I'm sorry if I'm forcing the issue. I want you to be happy. Your mum would want you to be happy.'

'She wanted a lot of things but they're not happening anymore.'

Kate regretted the words as soon as they fell out of her mouth like vomit, her throat burning with self-hatred. But she wasn't wrong. Her mother would never get the chance to see her graduate, fall madly in love, walk her down the aisle or see her grandchildren. Johanna Beckett would never get to see that. Katherine Beckett would never get to have the comfort of a mother.

'Kate,' said Alexis after a shocked silence but Kate shrugged her off, pushing her weight off the bed and walking towards the window, turning her back on her friend.

'No,' she snapped, her grip on the windowsill tightening. The skin of her knuckles turning a deathly white. 'I want to be alone right now.'

'Kate, please.'

'No, Alexis,' Kate whispered on a ragged sigh. 'Please just leave.'

Kate jumped when the slam of the door reverberated around the room. She let out a long breath. Dealing with company and the idleness of small talk, trying to put up that front of 'being okay' was too much. She couldn't do it. Every single breath felt like fighting a battle with her own body. Kate turned her back on the window, sliding slowly down the sort length of wall. She wanted to scream, shout, anything. The emotion within her was building to a crescendo; her whole body trembled under the anguish of her pain. That's all she could do. Cry.

That was how Richard Castle found her five minutes later – lost and broken on the floor of her bedroom.

'You don't have to do this alone, Kate,' Rick murmured into her hair, pulling her shaking body into his lap.

She didn't resist. Her pliant body fell like water into his, cementing itself into his embrace. It felt like home. It felt safe. No one made a move to speak, silence settling between them like a comfort blanket. He did nothing but hold her, his fingers rubbing careful circles into the base of back.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered, her voice cracking. She rubbed absently at the wet patch gradually growing in size on Rick's shirt.

Rick pulled her hand way, threading his fingers through hers. 'Don't ever be sorry, Kate.'

'You don't have to be so nice to me.'

'I'm not.'

She cast him a wry glance, her eyebrow raised.

'I'm not,' he said almost in disbelief, his free hand clutching at his heart in mock horror. 'I'm just being me in front of the girl of my dreams.'

His joking demeanour gave way to a look so serious Kate could feel her heart rate pick up, her heart pumping frantically within the constraints of her rib cage. She was almost too afraid to speak - her mind a jumble of elation and trepidation.

'Rick,' she breathed on a sigh.

He pressed his finger to her lips. 'I never said that to try and make you feel better, Kate. This isn't some morbid attempt to try and get in your pants. It was probably bad timing but believe me when I say that I meant every word. You are the girl of my dreams. Have been for a few years now.'

Kate didn't know what to say, her eyes like saucers. He looked so fragile sitting in front of her, his heart dangling on his sleeve; she felt her heart crack slightly.

'When this is all over and I don't feel like I'm falling into a black hole I want you to say those words again,' she whispered against his ear, her mouth gliding against the rough skin of his jaw pressing a soft kiss at the corner of his mouth. 'Just for my own sanity. I don't want to have it be a constant thought in the back of my mind that you only said it because of what happened to poor Katie and her dead mum.'

'Never because of that. Never.' The soft press of his lips against hers, warm and equally breath-taking; a promise for another day. 'I'll say those words again to you, Katie.'

She knew he meant it. She could see it glistening in his eye. He loved her and she loved him and although everything was a mess right now she knew they'd find their way. If not now or next week or next month. Soon.

A smile spread slowly across her face. She cupped his face, his skin smooth beneath her touch. 'Thank you.'

He pulled her close, his chin nestled on top of her head. 'You okay to go downstairs? It's almost time,' he murmured.

'Will you stay with me?'

'Always.'

One simple word had the power to floor her, subject her heart to a new emotion. Her mother had once told her that 'even on the darkest days there was a possibility for joy'. He was her joy. He was her bright light on a dark night. Rick would never truly understand how much his support meant to her. She was walking on hot coals and he was the water, washing away the fire and soothing her burns. She slipped her hand into his, her small fingers sandwiched between his larger ones. Rick pressed a soft kiss into her hair, muttering reassurances. Everything would be okay. If not now then eventually, with Rick by her side.

Every step out of her room felt like walking a mile down an abandoned road. Rick cleared his throat as they reached the living area, every head in the room swivelled in their direction, a collection of sympathetic gazes zoned in on her.

'Oh Katherine, darling,' boomed Martha, darting out from behind the kitchen table and pulling Kate into a tight hug. 'I'm so sorry. I can never take the place of your mother but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here.'

Kate held back a sob. 'Thank you, Martha.'

Martha pulled back and Kate finally got a good look at the older women. The usually flamboyant, theatrical Martha Rodgers looked sombre, defeated; her eyes sore and red. The lines at the corner of her eyes more pronounced, the bags beneath her eyes were sunken and dark. Kate had forgotten that she wasn't the only person who had lost someone. Martha Rodgers had lost her best friend.

'She'd be so proud you, kiddo.'

Kate pulled Martha back into a quick, tight hug whispering, 'I hope so, Martha. I really do.'

Martha smiled solemnly, edging to the side clearing a path for Jim Beckett. He looked rough. His clothes were a little looser on his frame, a deep fatigue settled on the features of his face. He was a ghost of the man he once was.

'Hey, daddy.'

'Katie,' said Jim, his arm reaching out but faltering halfway and falling limp to his side. 'I'm so sorry I haven't been there for you. It's just – your mother. I loved her. So much, Katie. So much. But that's not excuse. You're my daughter. You're still here. You're still breathing.'

'No,' Kate choked. 'You don't have to be sorry. Mum was your everything. We're all grieving, dad.'

'That doesn't make it acceptable for me to block you out like that. Drinking the way I have been.'

'It's okay. You've apologised now.' But Kate didn't really know if he meant it or if this was only the beginning of his journey into self-destruction. Mum had been dead for nine days and four of them had been spent looking after her drunken father falling over himself, shouting obscenities, erratically crying. But he was grieving. He should be allowed to grieve.

'We're going to be alright aren't we, Katie,' said Jim with such desperate hope, his fingers digging into the flesh of her upper arms, he looked like a lost little boy.

Kate nodded. 'We're going to be fine.' She could barely even stand to look at him, the faint smell of alcohol drifting up her nose. She should be asking for assurances. Not him. Never him.

Kate extricated herself from his grip, turning to find Rick. He stood watching her at the back of the room, assessing her every move and facial expression. He slipped his way through the crowd until they stood toe to toe. Their height difference looking more pronounced than ever due to her lack of heels. She gazed up at him, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth before sliding her arms around his body.

'I can do this,' she mumbled into his shirt.

'You can do this, Kate, and if you can't, I've got you.'

It was time to bury Johanna Beckett.

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><p><strong>AN:** Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I was having some extreme confidence issues with my writing which happens more times than I like. I'm not sure if I 100% like what I've written but it'll do so I hope you guys enjoy it and leave a review.** EXTRA NOTE**: Tickets for the First Castle Convention in the UK, Hey! CastleHQ, are now on sale at _heycastlehq DOT bpt DOT me_. Their website with more information on is _heycastlehq DOT co DOT vu_ and you can follow them on twitter at HeyCastleHQ so don't forget to check that out.

**Twitter:** CaptainGoode

**Tumblr:** whatthefawkes


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